Into the Light
Out There Alone
Forget about the lions, tigers and bears--it gets a whole lot more frightening than that. Oh my!
As I walk along the side of the river, headed in the direction of the little two-bedroom house I rent on the West Side of Charleston, I barely notice the activity of the boaters on the river and a passing barge loaded with coal. A mother duck and three ducklings hurriedly cross a few yards ahead on my path. I smile at the sight of them; a family living, loving and learning together. The smile on my face is quickly overshadowed by a fusion of disappointment that flashes through my head and causes a strange rush of adrenalin throughout my entire body; a single tear escapes my eye and runs halfway down my cheek and lingers there. I wipe the tear away with my sleeve and take a deep breath before continuing on my journey home.
Sometimes all we can do is keep moving forward; keep hoping and keep dreaming. I am alive! Anything is still possible. So for now, I keep going and hoping this path is leading me to a better place and that there is a familiar soul waiting for me when I reach my destination. He will hold me for a moment and then we will walk hand-in-hand together the rest of the way.
I don't have the rest of my life all neatly charted and planned out. I have learned that life really is more about the experience, actions and reactions to people, places and events that you encounter, than it is about following a plan. Life is the experience of constant change.
I have not been back into the dating and singles scene long, and frankly, I don't like anything I am seeing. Where do I pick up my pocket guide to surviving life as a single gay man in his early 40's.
While I appreciate diversity in people, I would also like to believe there is a purpose or a reason to all the madness of the world. It would be so incredibly nice to meet someone who knows how to have fun, but is also grounded enough to be serious at times; someone who has seen a bit of the world, but has not fallen victim solely to the pleasure principal. I want to meet someone comfortable enough in their own skin that they can enjoy being away from the "in crowd"; a man who enjoys the natural beauty of the world and can make a decision for himself without consulting all of his friends, and is confident with that decision.
It would be wonderful to meet someone who does not sit at home every night watching TV, but someone who also realizes these quite times one-on-one are more precious than a cruise around the world.
I have found that the best way to get to know people is not to make a list of questions or ask about similar interests, it is by silently observing them in their everyday lives. Actions are far more louder and convincing than words.
I don't want to change anyone's ways to suit my desires, however, I do not want to change myself to fulfil someone else's fantasy. This is not love. I want to shed the stereotypical images of what love should be and get to know someone inside and out. I want to open my mind and heart to new adventures.
The single most important thing in any relationship is honesty. This is also the rarest of all qualities to find. Almost everyone has their own custom-fit interpretation of honesty. Honesty begins with an honest heart. It begins with being honest with yourself. A man who has not accepted his sexuality, will never be honest with anyone he is involved with.
There is nothing 'old fashioned' about the love between 'two' people. Nothing compares to it. A heart must be free from the past to have a future. We can still love those people who have touched our lives in our hearts, but a physical relationship with them limits any chance for a new relationship to flourish.
We live in a world where monogamy has become taboo. There is so much chaos and turmoil in the world already. Are we, as a society, going to abandon the one thing that defines and separates us from being just 'animals' with a sexual instinctive nature?
I don't want to become... 'Comfortably Numb'.
Hello.
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?
Come on, now.
I hear you're feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again.
Relax.
I need some information first.
Just the basic facts:
Can you show me where it hurts?
There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what you're say'in.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I cant explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.
Ok.
Just a little pinprick. [ping]
There'll be no more --aaaaaahhhhh!
But you may feel a little sick.
Can you stand up?
I do believe its working. good.
That'll keep you going for the show.
Come on it's time to go.
There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what you're say'in.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?
Come on, now.
I hear you're feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again.
Relax.
I need some information first.
Just the basic facts:
Can you show me where it hurts?
There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what you're say'in.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I cant explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.
Ok.
Just a little pinprick. [ping]
There'll be no more --aaaaaahhhhh!
But you may feel a little sick.
Can you stand up?
I do believe its working. good.
That'll keep you going for the show.
Come on it's time to go.
There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what you're say'in.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.
Lyrics to Pink Floyd's 'Comfortably Numb'
Into the light is a weekly column dedicated to rational discussion of legislative pursuit, moral proposition and the general quest for equality of the LGBT Community.
Jim Lawson
webcowboy42@aol.com
Into the Light
Look up to get out
I was 14 years old when I convinced my parents to give me permission to spend the summer with relatives who lived near Gary, Indiana. I grew up in a small coal mining community in a very isolated part of West Virginia, and up until that summer, I had done very little traveling outside of the area. So you can imagine my reaction when my uncle took me for a drive into Chicago for the first time.
The magnitude of the city was almost overwhelming for me as I fidgeted in the back seat of my uncle's station wagon and strained my neck to see the top of the Sears Tower as we passed by. Amazing! Everything was much larger than I ever imagined. I don't remember getting the slightest bit tired after spending hours in the Field Museum of Natural History and then on to the Museum of Science and Industry. It was a day I would remember for the rest of my life. By the way, for anyone who has never tried it, it is impossible to see the top of the Sears Tower from the backseat of a passing station wagon, when passing directly by it. Believe me, I tried every way and angle possible, short of hanging my head out of the car and risking decapitation by another passing vehicle.
I must have resembled some primate just released from captivity that day. In many ways, I guess I actually was. Don't get me wrong, growing up in rural West Virginia had its advantages, but I was ready to see more of the world, much more!
It is so easy to become a product of your environment and to be influenced negatively by those around you. It is extremely hard to overcome social, cultural, and economic barriers that separate and restrain us from succeeding. Sometimes the only way is up. We are all in this rat race together. Our prize for finishing?-- well that varies. No matter what awaits you across that finish line, one thing is for sure, there will be obstacles and lots of them. There will be very little support at times from those with their eye on the same finish line. When you show potential for succeeding, many insecure people would rather sabotage your success than to apply that energy to bettering themselves.
I am not a religious man in any way, but I do recall reading a story once about Jesus returning to his birthplace of Bethlehem as an adult. Paraphrasing, of course, the story goes something like this:
By the time the story takes place, Jesus had already built a name for himself by performing miracles all over the world. When word got out that he was returning to Bethlehem, people flocked to meet him and witness for themselves these miracles. However, once he was recognized as just "the son of a local carpenter", people were skeptical. Sensing their skepticism, Jesus passed through Bethlehem without performing any miracles there. It is often easier for someone to relocate and start from scratch in a new location than it is to overcome his or her past in a specific town or region.
In America, we are encouraged to dream big as children, but then we spend our adult lives discouraging each other and trying to disprove stereotypes. We hypocritically teach our children not to hate or judge others that may be less fortunate, but what kind of example are we setting through our own choices and actions?
Like in any race, sometimes the only way around a hurdle is "up and over" it. Meditate on your heart's desire and surround yourself with others who support and encourage your aspirations. Learn to recognize and eliminate the people and things that are preventing you from reaching your goals or limiting your potential. Sometimes, this may mean standing alone during some trying times. Don't lose faith in yourself. When the buildings seem to be closing in on you and the city becomes suffocating, look up.
No matter where we are, or what situation we find ourselves in, we can look to the sky for hope that somewhere things are greener. When I am meditating and trying to clear my mind of the daily rubble and trying to allow my imagination to rest, I envision large puffy clouds passing overhead and making way for the sun to shine through. It really does help to let it all go and allow your mind to drift away with those clouds, to a place that is happier and more welcoming. When you allow reality to return, I guarantee things will not look so hopeless.
We are not only bound by our current physical environments, but we are also captive to the ghosts of our pasts. Is it really possible to "forgive and forget"? I believe we must forgive in order to move forward. This also incorporates forgiving ourselves for past mistakes and poor judgement, or simple over-indulgences along the way. Savor the good memories and remember the lessons learned, but let the details go. If we worry too much about the future, our fears may be self-fulfilling in a negative way. We must base our decisions on love and not fear.
There is a huge sky full of opportunity above us. When the images around you become dark and lifeless, change the image in your head to that of a tranquil sunset, and picture yourself walking along a beach; allow yourself to feel the sand under you feet and the water washing across your toes. You can rewrite the ending of the movie you are currently starring in.
Sometimes hope can come unexpectedly through the encouraging words of an old friend or the eyes of a stranger. A recent chance encounter with someone has reminded me that the path I am currently traveling may not be leading toward the light. Thank you, Nic, for noticing and guiding me back on track. It was nice to look up and into your eyes. There is a brilliant light there.
Into the light is a weekly column dedicated to rational discussion of legislative pursuit, moral proposition and the general quest for equality of the LGBT Community.
Jim Lawson
Into the Light
Stalemate
In the game of Chess, the situation where a player whose turn it is to move has no legal moves but is not in check is known as stalemate. The game ends. There is no real winner or loser. The game could actually be considered a 'practice' session or just a waste of time for the two players involved.
In an effort to protect our ourselves from experiencing further pain and to keep our feelings under control we place barriers across our hearts. Nothing comes in and nothing goes out. These barriers that we place between our hearts and others, though designed to protect us, can actually be separating us from the happiness we desire.
When we close our hearts we sever the connection that allows our love to flow outward. People construct these barriers for many reasons. Some have been burned in the past financially and therefore have established guidelines for entrance into their lives that appear to be very materialistic. So we search for an equal on an economic and professional level. This drastically limits our options for romance. History validates the failure of relationships built around this philosophy.
Another very common reason for closing or screening entrance to our hearts is based on a lack of trust based on infidelity from partners in the past. We begin to expect the worst from people we meet. This sets the stage for disaster in any situation. No relationship can flourish without trust. This does not mean that you should trust blindly. Along with trust will come a certain amount of forgiveness. You cannot go through life with a partner and expect to always see eye to eye, and deny the possibility that one or both of you may stumble along the way or stray off course. In the event of infidelity, nothing is really black and white. You could end the relationship based on your strong ethical code of conduct and be miserable for a very long time or you could evaluate the situation and see if there is anything that makes it worth another try.
Every time we close our hearts, we find it more difficult to open it again. Romance becomes a fantasy that only happens in the movies and we foolishly convince ourselves that it is not that bad being alone or that the perfect Mr. Right is still out there and eventually your world will collide with his. Before buying into this flawed philosophy, look around you right now. Are you overlooking someone or eliminating them based on your own track record?
In order to find peace and to experience a wholeness, we must come out from behind our barriers and live. Not everyone is looking for a free ride at the expense of others. Not everyone stereotypically thinks from the groin and has to play with every man he meets.
In order to break the stalemate, the individuals must come out from behind their barriers and listen to each other.
Into the light is a weekly column dedicated to rational discussion of legislative pursuit, moral proposition and the general quest for equality of the LGBT Community.
Jim Lawson
bravenet.com