June 2008
Into the Light
The 2008 version of me
"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great." - Mark Twain
I have found myself recently trying to explain my lifestyle to people that I just met; always apologizing for the dishes not being done, the house not being clean, or why I still rent when most of my friends own their own homes. In truth, I would not trade my life for anyone else's. I am comfortable in my own skin. I am very comfortable in my own skin. I have become my own best friend.
We all acquire baggage along the way. I like to call it "designer baggage", because our pasts are our teachers. The falls, bumps, bruises and scars define our character.
I have stood at the top of mountains and tasted the sweetness of victory and I have laid face down in the lowest of ditches and witnessed the bitter, muddy taste of failure. I have made a fool of myself for love and love has made a fool of me, but I am blessed to recognize it.
Buddha says "with our thoughts we make the world".
Sometimes we just need the reassurance of another person that things are going to be alright. Many times the energy of our spirit manifests through other people, but it still originates with our own thoughts.
I have developed and learned to trust my inner light to guide me in the right direction. Sometimes others do not see this light within us right away. Sometimes their own negativity blinds them from seeing anything positive in others. The world is all about them and what others can do to make them happy and their personal journey easier. Beware of these people.
We sometimes forget that the shadows are necessary when searching for the light that nourishes our souls. When the world intimidates us, we can look at each person, strip them of all material possessions and clothing and picture them just as they are in nature, naked and equal.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life regretting or trying to forget the past. I want to respect my personal history and much of it will travel with me as what some call baggage. When I meet someone new, I want to check the labels on their baggage and see where all it has been. Who would we be without those distant memories?
I have shed many skins, traveled many roads and strayed onto trails that led me in circles or off the main course of my visual destination, but sometimes those trails have surprised me with beauty and gifts that I never knew existed.
Today I took a hard look into the mirror. This is the 2008 version of me.
Into the light is a weekly column dedicated to rational discussion of legislative pursuit, moral proposition and the general quest for equality of the LGBT Community.
Jim Lawson
It's the stuff in the middle of the sandwich; that time in between birth and death; the journey from the beginning to the end, that I want to talk about.
A cowboy's journey
Part one
We are all born innocent. There are no born bad children. So how does one man grow up to be ruler of a country and another man waits on death row for his final fate? What differences along their journeys defined and determined the final chapter of the book of these two man's lives? Who, when, how, why and what along the way influenced the good and bad in each of them?
The distinction between good and evil is not black and white. We all fall somewhere in the gray area.
Everything, from our geographical location to the color of our skin and even the color of our eyes, determines how others react toward us and how that reaction defines and molds our character as we interact with people and events in our lives. Things like quality of education, income bracket, religion and quality of upbringing, all play prominent roles in who and what we become. Many of these factors are not choice, but chance, and we have little or no control over them.
Especially in economically challenged areas of the world, things like mentorship, the love of a grandparent or the attention that special teacher gives a child can make all the difference and have a lasting impact on a child's life and future.
I look back on the people, places and events that have impacted who I have become today. Many of them are long gone, but they live deep within my soul forever. I remember my grandmother telling her lady friends "This is my grandson. He is going to be president someday." There was my mother who through her own achievements and triumphs over barriers, taught me to never accept being treated as a second class citizen and that no one deserved better rights than I did.
There are several teachers and coaches that standout in my memory. Teachers are often angels. They have so much impact on children. It only takes the love and attention of one teacher to inspire a child to accomplish something great. We should always take care of those who have dedicated their lives to educating and caring for children. This includes all the stay at home moms and dads who have sacrificed personal goals and careers to insure the world will be better for their children. Those who teach integrity, love and respect are the true leaders of the world.
With Fathers Day approaching, I want to pay a little tribute to my own father and mentor. When I was a child I mimicked every move he made. I was like a miniature shadow to my dad. He wore a cowboy hat and I insisted on one just like it. I watched him walk and mimicked that. He taught me so many cool things as a young boy growing up in rural West Virginia. Many of my toys were handmade by him and were superior to the store bought ones my friends had. He was a genius when it came to building and fixing things.
My parents loved country music. I guess in many ways I learned about life and love through the lyrics of that music. It is still therapeutic for me today when I am faced with turmoil in my life to allow my mind to relax and revisit my childhood through these lyrics.
Thus begins the journey of a cowboy.
Almost heaven, West Virginia
Blue ridge mountains, Shenandoah River
Life is old there, older than the trees
Younger than the mountains, blowing like a breeze
Country roads, take me home
To the place, I be-long
West Virginia, mountain momma
Take me home, country roads
All my memories, gather round her
Miners lady, stranger to blue water
Dark and dusty, painted on the sky
Misty taste of moonshine, teardrop in my eye
Country roads, take me home
To the place, I be-long
West Virginia, mountain momma
Take me home, country roads
I hear her voice, in the mornin hours she calls to me
The radio reminds me of my home far a-way
And drivin down the road I get a feeling
That I should have been home yesterday, yesterday
Country roads, take me home
To the place, I be-long
West Virginia, mountain momma
Take me home, country roads
Blue ridge mountains, Shenandoah River
Life is old there, older than the trees
Younger than the mountains, blowing like a breeze
Country roads, take me home
To the place, I be-long
West Virginia, mountain momma
Take me home, country roads
All my memories, gather round her
Miners lady, stranger to blue water
Dark and dusty, painted on the sky
Misty taste of moonshine, teardrop in my eye
Country roads, take me home
To the place, I be-long
West Virginia, mountain momma
Take me home, country roads
I hear her voice, in the mornin hours she calls to me
The radio reminds me of my home far a-way
And drivin down the road I get a feeling
That I should have been home yesterday, yesterday
Country roads, take me home
To the place, I be-long
West Virginia, mountain momma
Take me home, country roads
Lyrics to John Denver's hit song 'Country Roads'
Into the light is a weekly column dedicated to rational discussion of legislative pursuit, moral proposition and the general quest for equality of the LGBT Community.
Jim Lawson
Into the Light
Love Never Dies
If I could turn back time to June 26, 2005, I would do everything in my power to change history and the chain of events that took place on that day. My words would be softer; I would not let foolish pride cause me to keep my true feelings bottled up and Talon Key would still be alive and by my side today.
Three years ago the greatest man I have ever known loaded a gun, and shot himself in the heart, taking his own life and leaving those who loved him with unanswered questions and a lifetime of sorrow and guilt.
It was a petty argument and I was determined to stand my ground and prove my point. During a heated phone conversation with him, I informed Talon that his actions the previous day were out of line and that if he could not control them better in the future, that there would be no place for him in my life. His response: "I did it, because I love your crazy ass."
When I received the news that he had committed suicide after our conversation that day, at first, I simply just did not believe it. I frantically dialed his number and left a message for him to call me as soon as possible. I cannot describe how desperately I needed for him to return my call. It was all like a horrible nightmare and I wanted to wake up now!
I don't know if I am where I should be three years later or not. All I know is that my life changed so drastically at that moment and the events on June 26, 2005 are still teaching my heart.
"In life, there are no guarantees and there are lots of risks. You come into this world alone; you leave this world alone and hopefully go to a better place..." Talon Key
I made a silent promise to Talon that his life would not be forgotten as long as I am alive. No one taught me more about what really matters in this world than he did.
I am remembering that promise to Talon this week. I ask that anyone who reads this take a moment to honor his life and all the others who have committed suicide. Take an extra moment to think before reacting to the actions of others. If you know someone in trouble, reach out to them today. Don't walk away or allow another person to walk away from you angry. Embrace your friends and family now.
Don't let the words "I love you" echo too late to be heard.
Talon Key ended his life on earth three years ago. He remains in my memory as a mentor and teacher. I have a lifetime to learn from his.
I thought I saw you late last night, but it was just a flash of light.
An angel passing.
But I remember yesterday.
Life before you went away.
And we were laughing.
We had hope and now it's broken.
And I could see it clearly once when you were here with me.
And now somehow all that's left are pieces of a dream.
Now I'm lost in restless nights.
Just a whisper of the life that we created.
Shadows falling.
I am calling.
And I could see it clearly once when you were here with me.
And now somehow all that's left are pieces of a...
The faded photographs.
The frames of broken glass.
The shattered memories.
Time will soon erase.
All these souvenirs.
Salt from a thousand tears.
But when I wake up you are never there.
We had hope and now it's broken.
And I could see it clearly once when you were here with me.
And now somehow all that's left are pieces of a...
And I could see it clearly once when you were here with me.
And now somehow all that's left are pieces of a dream.
Pieces of a dream.
An angel passing.
But I remember yesterday.
Life before you went away.
And we were laughing.
We had hope and now it's broken.
And I could see it clearly once when you were here with me.
And now somehow all that's left are pieces of a dream.
Now I'm lost in restless nights.
Just a whisper of the life that we created.
Shadows falling.
I am calling.
And I could see it clearly once when you were here with me.
And now somehow all that's left are pieces of a...
The faded photographs.
The frames of broken glass.
The shattered memories.
Time will soon erase.
All these souvenirs.
Salt from a thousand tears.
But when I wake up you are never there.
We had hope and now it's broken.
And I could see it clearly once when you were here with me.
And now somehow all that's left are pieces of a...
And I could see it clearly once when you were here with me.
And now somehow all that's left are pieces of a dream.
Pieces of a dream.
Pieces of a Dream, lyrics and song by Anastacia
bravenet.com