Into the Light Archives (August)
The Friend Within
I actually felt a friend cry today. I felt his disappointment and heard the irregular beating of his heart. He was broken into. His hopes and passions, once again, shattered by the sharp thoughtless words of another.
I wanted to reach out. I wanted to say something that would make a difference, but the words never came. I wanted to hold him, but the distance between us would not allow that. I watched him with some sympathy, but mostly admiration, as he crawled back up from the floor once again to face the uncertainty of a new day.
We have been through a lot, my friend and I. We have shared a lifetime of experiences and laughter together. That was the good thing about the friendship. We could laugh anytime and at any situation we found ourselves in. Together we were an unstoppable, powerful force. The infinite sky could not hold the possibilities for us. We embraced life together and nothing could dim our light as long as we stuck together.
We have been through a lot, my friend and I. We have shared a lifetime of experiences and laughter together. That was the good thing about the friendship. We could laugh anytime and at any situation we found ourselves in. Together we were an unstoppable, powerful force. The infinite sky could not hold the possibilities for us. We embraced life together and nothing could dim our light as long as we stuck together.
Then it happened. My friend became involved with some very malice, self-centered and shallow minded people. He introduced me, but I was not impressed. I stepped back and watched him from a distance as my friend made a fool of himself and a mockery of our accomplishments together. He seemed to have forgotten our philosophies on life and abandoned his self-respect as he made it quite clear that I was now an outsider and he was happy for the moment, so I could just go away.
So I did just that.
So I did just that.
I ran into my friend from time to time after that; we never really talked again. I would search his eyes for signs that he remembered me. He no longer even resembled the fellow I had once known. Drugs and hard times had replaced his smile with a silent cry for help. The guy who was once the life of the party, was no longer on the invitation list. His new friends had abandoned him; he was alone. Even his family no longer accepted him into their homes.
All of this broke my heart. I had missed my friend and life without him, for me, was non existent. I searched for and found him. He had a vacant and lost look on his face, but smiled back at me. I reached down and picked my friend up, cradled him in my arms and carried him away from the mess he was lying in. As we walked away, he whispered in my ear a very soft ‘thank you’.
I took him someplace safe and we talked and remembered for hours and hours. We laughed and cried and held each other vowing to never betray one another again. We started talking about our future together again and how we would address problems one at a time together and face the demons that would no doubt reappear in the future. We are, once again, unstoppable. The events, tough times and heartache of the past have only strengthened us.
I am so happy to be reunited with my friend. He is my HOPE and I am his SELF-ESTEEM. Together we are one hell of a powerful force!
Into the light is a weekly column dedicated to rational discussion of legislative pursuit, moral proposition and the general quest for equality of the LGBT Community.
Jim Lawson
webcowboy42@aol.com
Into the Light
Karma the Bitch
In basic Buddhism, Karma is the law of moral causation. Although this fundamental theory was prevalent in India before Buddhism, the formulated doctrine explaining Karma as we know it today was introduced by the Buddha. Most organized religions do teach some form of a doctrine based on this concept.
Wikipedia defines Karma as a concept in Hinduism which explains causality through a system where beneficial effects are derived from past beneficial actions and harmful effects from past harmful actions, creating a system of actions and reactions throughout a person’s reincarnated lives.
Karma suggests a circulatory effect based on our actions. Basically, it makes the prediction that ‘what comes around, goes around’ or everything we do, good or bad, comes back to us in time. In Buddhism it is used as a deterrent, rather than an incentive to do good as most of us view it.
The complex doctrine used in Buddhism today would take volumes to explain, but the basic understanding that your decisions and actions and even feelings now, directly impact your future and can determine your level of happiness in the future is what we need to understand. These decisions can actually be determining your present situation. However, it is not just about personal choices. We must also factor in integrity into the theory. It may seem the best thing for you to draw attention to a co worker’s shortcomings or poor performance to get ahead at work, but how does this effect your future?
Sometimes the irony of certain events in life seems too justified to just be coincidence. For example: A teenage boy grows up very homophobic. He takes part in the bashings of the gay kids at school. He is constantly referring to anyone less masculine than he believes himself to be with very derogatory remarks and names. He spends his youth filled with hate. Hate that he was nodoubt taught at a very young age. He later father’s a gay child and learns a lesson of Karma.
Two gay men meet and fall in love. They cannot be separated at first, but one has a different view of what a relationship should be. He is never really totally truthful to his new mate. He is constantly contemplating his next shady event or trip out of town. He takes his partner for granted; leaving him at home to wonder. Without conscience, he selfishly and without remorse, frequents the adult bookstores and backrooms of tacky little bars, parks, even sex parties disguised as charity events or social mixers for casual sex.
Meanwhile, his partner begins to accept the reality of his mates promiscuity. His self- esteem forces him to try to meditate on freeing himself mentally from the feelings he has allowed himself to feel for the other. He decides he cannot be happy allowing someone to thoughtlessly hurt and disrespect him in that way. He begins to change and strengthen. He goes to the gym and by the time his love notices, he is getting his own share of attention and jealousy has shifted bodies.
Into the light is a weekly column dedicated to rational discussion of legislative pursuit, moral proposition and the general quest for equality of the LGBT Community.
Jim Lawson
webcowboy42@aol.com
Testosterone is a steroid hormone from the androgen group. Testosterone is primarily secreted in the testes of males and the ovaries of females although small amounts are secreted by the adrenal glands. It is the principal male sex hormone and an anabolic steroid. In both males and females, it plays key roles in health and well-being. Examples include enhanced libido, energy, immune function, and protection against osteoporosis. On average, the human adult male body produces about eight to ten times the amount of testosterone than an adult female's body does. Testosterone is found in numerous animals.
By definition, this suggests that sexual compulsion or addiction may be the direct result of too much testosterone, but this is not necessarily the case. Further studies into the behavior of sexually compulsive individuals suggests the condition can be induced by childhood sexual abuse, pornography and Internet.
It can, also, result from the usage of certain recreational drugs such as Cocaine or Crystal Meth. There is a fine line between recreational use of these drugs and addiction to them. In many cases, there is a dual dependency on these drugs and sex. If the drugs are the feeding factor or one of the factors involved in your sexual activities and you feel that it has escalated out of control, please seek professional help for substance abuse. The problem of sexual compulsion may be eliminated with therapy for the chemical addiction.
Sexual addiction is often dismissed by Gay men as a ploy to further attack their lifestyle and the majority of cases go untreated, until things get totally out of control and this could possibly lead to sexual criminal activity or result in major clinical depression. If you are looking for sex on the internet four or five nights a week or spending weekends in a bathhouse or attending sex parties on a regular basis, then you are not going to feel good about yourself. Sex addicts become a slave to their addiction and they lose control of their lives.
This is a very general look into the issues of Sexual Addiction. For more information, please visit the following sites:
Sexual addiction can happen within and destroy the strongest of bonds in a relationship. It is recommended that the issue be dealt with compassionately and through a non-judgmental approach.
webcowboy42@aol.com
Growing up in the country, cowboys were always my role models. I grew up listening to classic country music and although I have been around horses a good part of my life, I am only a cowboy through metaphor and not by profession. By that, I mean I have the heart and soul of a cowboy.
Into the Light
Sexual Addiction
Too much of anything can be bad for you. Even sunshine burns when you get too much. So how much sex is too much? Most of you (men, especially) are saying: Never! Men are much more sexually active than women by nature and gay men are generally more sexually active than straight men.
If your compulsivity with sex is creating problems in other areas of your life or preventing you from maintaining a healthy relationship and commitment, you may want to take this self-test to determine if you may actually have a very serious, but common condition, known as Sexual Compulsion or Sexual Addiction. This 25 question screening test, developed by sexhelp.com, is a first step in identifying and treating a potential problem.
My research into this subject brings some very interesting statistics into the light. Male sex drive is primarily fueled by the hormone Testosterone. Wikipedia offers the following definition for Testosterone:
Testosterone is a steroid hormone from the androgen group. Testosterone is primarily secreted in the testes of males and the ovaries of females although small amounts are secreted by the adrenal glands. It is the principal male sex hormone and an anabolic steroid. In both males and females, it plays key roles in health and well-being. Examples include enhanced libido, energy, immune function, and protection against osteoporosis. On average, the human adult male body produces about eight to ten times the amount of testosterone than an adult female's body does. Testosterone is found in numerous animals.
By definition, this suggests that sexual compulsion or addiction may be the direct result of too much testosterone, but this is not necessarily the case. Further studies into the behavior of sexually compulsive individuals suggests the condition can be induced by childhood sexual abuse, pornography and Internet.
It can, also, result from the usage of certain recreational drugs such as Cocaine or Crystal Meth. There is a fine line between recreational use of these drugs and addiction to them. In many cases, there is a dual dependency on these drugs and sex. If the drugs are the feeding factor or one of the factors involved in your sexual activities and you feel that it has escalated out of control, please seek professional help for substance abuse. The problem of sexual compulsion may be eliminated with therapy for the chemical addiction.
Sexual addiction is often dismissed by Gay men as a ploy to further attack their lifestyle and the majority of cases go untreated, until things get totally out of control and this could possibly lead to sexual criminal activity or result in major clinical depression. If you are looking for sex on the internet four or five nights a week or spending weekends in a bathhouse or attending sex parties on a regular basis, then you are not going to feel good about yourself. Sex addicts become a slave to their addiction and they lose control of their lives.
Research has also shown that many sexual addicts are commonly drawn to partners with similar sexual problems. Therefore it is commonly referred to and treated as a ‘Couples Problem’ or Co-dependency. In many cases, the second partner will not try to stop the sexual activity of the other or risk losing the relationship, because of sexual activity outside of the relationship. This results in low self-esteem and depression issues for the non-participating partner.
This is a very general look into the issues of Sexual Addiction. For more information, please visit the following sites:
Sexual addiction can happen within and destroy the strongest of bonds in a relationship. It is recommended that the issue be dealt with compassionately and through a non-judgmental approach.
Into the light is a weekly column dedicated to rational discussion of legislative pursuit, moral proposition and the general quest for equality of the LGBT Community.
Jim Lawson
webcowboy42@aol.com
Cowboys, Chaps and Tears
Who said cowboys don’t cry?
Growing up in the country, cowboys were always my role models. I grew up listening to classic country music and although I have been around horses a good part of my life, I am only a cowboy through metaphor and not by profession. By that, I mean I have the heart and soul of a cowboy.
I remember watching John Wayne movies with my dad as a child and then putting on my own cowboy gear and running outside to re-enact what I had just seen. Cowboys were my passion. I could mimic the walk, I could draw the pistol and I knew that I looked pretty awesome doing it.
Later in life, I dabbled in leather and managed The Eagle Nightclub, a leather and Levi, all-male nightclub, in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. Although, I was welcomed into this environment with open arms and taken under the protective wing of one of the most respected men and a leader in the leather community at the time, I still incorporated a little of my own cowboy-style upbringing into my personality in the leather world. I bought a very expensive Stetson cowboy hat and had some leather pants tailor made for me and matched it up with a very good-fitting leather shirt that laced up the arms and complimented my biceps; oh, and let’s not forget the boots! I was a cowboy again, just like when I was a kid. I embraced this identity.
I have the utmost respect for the leather community and what they stand for regarding sexual freedom and fetish lifestyle. However, I felt that the cowboy in me added a touch of integrity to the sometimes bizarre and carefree lifestyle. I was a leatherman with a heart; I was a cowboy in leather.
The cowboy was tough and hardened a little. He was handsome; he could tame the wildest of horses and he was a hero. He thought with his heart. He was compassionate and treated people with respect. But even cowboys get their hearts broken.
That is the hard part of being a gay man and having the heart of a cowboy. We are not willing to compromise our integrity for a romp in the sack. We believe in commitment and we are loyal lovers. When it comes to sex we are very compatible with leather and we can live up to the cowboy image in the bedroom as well.
The movie Brokeback Mountain, a story of two cowboys in a taboo love relationship, made history when it portrayed two cowboys who meet and fall in love and lust. It painted the provocative image of two masculine men in an intimate relationship together. The straightest of the general male population squirmed in their seats in theaters across the world. The movie was a huge success in mainstream cinematography. The ending, however, was not so happy.
This week as I pick my battle-worn heart up off the ground and dust it off a little, slip it back in my pocket with what is left of my dignity, and take a deep breath before riding off into the sunset alone to face the uncertainty of tomorrow, I remember a very young boy whose dream was to be a cowboy.
Into the light is a weekly column dedicated to rational discussion of legislative pursuit, moral proposition and the general quest for equality of the LGBT Community.
Jim Lawson
bravenet.com